Early Teenage Years

After I graduated elementary school, I decided that I wanted to live with my mother and start middle school in Tempe Arizona as opposed to staying in Scottsdale where I had previously been. She had been clean at this point for a couple years and met my step-father through AA and moved with him to a double wide trailer. He was a car painter for a local place and she worked for Walgreens Photo Developing department and went to school to be a photographer. I lived with my little sister as well. I didn't like her that much because I had always thought my mother chose her instead of me because I wasn't able to live her life with her. I, being older now, understand the reasoning on why I wasn't allowed but back then I didn't and still had my issues going on. During middle school (around age 11-12) is when I first started smoking marijuana and cigarettes on a constant basis. I went to school and did my thing for the most part, not ditching class and actually paying semi attention (as much as I could as I was a person that always needed some attention, good or bad) and doing good in school. I was a goofy person and always felt the need to act out or disrupt class and was always sent out of class. I was openly bisexual at that time and had developed a school boy crush on a hispanic kid that was the "cool kid". He also sang like an angel and every time he would ask me to see my homework so he could write it down real quick to turn in, I would get in a little girl school kid giggle. People still laugh at how gay that was. In the meantime I also had a girlfriend that I would meet up periodically to hold hands and make it "known" that i was straight enough to have one. We would meet up at the bus area by the soda machines everyday and french kiss each other I think more just to be "cool". She ended up breaking up with me when I told her I loved her. Said that she had met some other guy (he was fat and nasty and that's the only reason why I was like WHAT THE FUCK!) Anyways, so time moved on and my pot and cigarette addictions lead me to acid by the time I hit high school. It was a drug that made me feel free of all my problems. I would uncontrollably laugh till I pee'd my pants and would have massive hallucinations that would also amuse my senses. LSD took my mind to another realm. I started ditching class, grades were falling, and stealing money from my mother and stepmother. In my mind, I was just taking from my mother who never wanted me and some punk ass she married. They both had opposite schedules but I remember I would wait till my stepfather got paid and fell asleep and I would take his wallet. It always contained thousands of dollars and I knew he would be frivolous about spending money so I would take 20-60 dollars and wait for him to get paid again. Eventually they caught on so I would coax my little sister (who was desperate to have a brother figure in her life) and make her break in through the outside window so i could scrape up whatever money I could find. My lack of respect for anyone or anything was apparent and I was screaming for help in my mind and people around did not respond. I showed her one day what I felt inside when she was in an argument with me and slit my wrist right in front of her so she decided that I take a little trip to a psychiatric facility. I'm not too certain on how long I stayed there but I think it was only maybe a month. They tested me IQ wise and personality wise and they told me that at 15 my mentality was at a sophomore in college level and might have (i think) ADHD but didn't do much more than put me on an anti depressant. I remember being so pissed off at that place. It had a couch area connected with rooms that two people would share and we would all have to meet at the couch and share our feelings. That was bullshit to me, my only feeling for years at that point was anger and they did not want me to show them that. So while they did their "feelings" thing I would be in back where they had unlimited lego's of all sorts and I built a city. Eventually it became cool (obviously) and people wanted to join in. I was such a dick as a kid. I told each one that they had to get their own shit to do and got in trouble repeatedly until I just said fuck it, have at it. The last couple days of that stay I had a roomate come in. He was obviously schitzophrenic or something because he came in with an attempted overdose on asprin and he would talk nothing but the fact that he was going to hell for trying to end his life and preacher this and preacher that. I can only take so much, especially as a kid I had to voice my opinion so I told him that if he doesn't shut the fuck up so I can sleep I will steal a pencil and shove it in his neck while he is sleeping tomorrow. He was silent as can be after that and a day or two later I went back home. Things were back the same and I eventually got expelled from my school for getting caught with a pipe I had found while traveling on Mill Ave where I would periodically walk when I ditched school. It was filled with pot in it so I smoked the pot and carried the pipe with me. I was walking back to class and was showing my pipe I had found to this cute hispanic girl I talked to alot.I looked up to find a security guy that eventually took it from me and took me to the office not before going into my class and exposing my pipe to the whole class. It was stupid though, all they did was clap and whistle. I would have been so much more popular after that if I hadn't been expelled. So nearing the end of my stay with my mothers, I remember being so depressed and coming off LSD,pot,alcohol,and cigarettes that I was supposed to go to a family function for the holidays. Instead, I wanted to sleep. So as they kept telling me to get up, the frustration built up to where I ended up getting into a physical confrontation with my mother (mom, i will never tell this story again and want you to know that I am ASHAMED of what I did to you, and I will always carry that in me until the day I die). She somehow got me on the couch and was pulling my hair and I had a grip on her's and she was on top of me. I remember taking my legs and shoving her up in the air to get her off me and she landed on a glass table that shattered and I think I went back into my room and my stepfather came in trying to regulate so I took my switch blade and shoved him against the wall and asked him if he wanted his testicles detached. They both decided at that point that it was too much and told me that if I wanted to live like a drug addict, I can go live on the streets like a drug addict. So, I said fine and called up my aunt and asked to come live with her and she agreed with stipulations that I would go to school or have a job and pay rent, so I moved. My mother had told her not to take me in due to a lesson she wanted to teach me, but my aunt didn't listen or care apparently (its funny because EVERY person in my family is stubborn as hell and WON'T be told what to do). Anyways, this is where I started my mid to late teen years.