Childhood

I moved in with my great uncle, his kids and my grandmother for elementary school at about 2nd or 3rd grade. My grandmother was a travel agent at America West for a long time and my uncle worked at Bowing and had been there for decades and for the most part it was just a normal upbringing. I went to school, walked home with my cousins, and went to friends house to go play. On the other aspect of it, i was also living in an abusive alcoholic home. My uncle would get home from work and drink himself to sleep while my grandmother would come home as well and have her cocktail too to unwind and they would fight. My uncle was really strict on his rules. We, as children, all had our chores to do everyday and he was a complete dick if he came home and stuff wasnt done. I remember a couple times (maybe few but i only remember a couple) he would whip my butt with a belt but being drunk it never hit my butt once. It was the lower back (just fyi). The children of the family established pretty much a typical attitude to adjust to an alcoholic environment. I was always the hyperactive one that would get on peoples nerves singing and dancing around. Don't get me wrong, our family as a whole would have a good time as well. Every year starting with Halloween,we would all go out trick or treating and all the family (my cousins, sister, and I (eventually became my aunts kids as well) including adults would dress up and enter family contests at the park and playing games in the candy booths and would watch fireworks. It was a celebration as my family are witches and my grandmothers birthday IS halloween. We would all retreat back to the house where kids would trade candy and adults would hang out until the adults decided on going to a bar or home and would fall asleep.We all, no matter what problems we had in life, would just absorb the love of our family. We all had a psychic bond between us that was unified. As Thanksgiving rolled around, the men would gather to the sports on television in the living room and the girls would flock to the kitchen to help set up dinner. The kids would wander back and forth playing and frolicking asking to help as with with the set up. we gathered where my grandmother and uncle had a formal dining room with crystal chandeliers and good china that my great grandmother had given and had a formal dinner with the family. Family was of the uttermost importance in our family. My grandmother and great uncle had been through the tearing of a family and made damn sure we wouldn't go through that as well. We were taught that no matter what ever happens as the outside worlds does to you, the love of the family will never change and only become stronger. And to Christmas where we once again gathered the night before where the my cousins, sister and I would all have to go to bed early only allowing one present to be opened (it became larger again when my aunt had kids)and wake up early to wake the adults. There was always someone dedicated as Santa who wore the red had and they were allowed one elf to be helper and we would sit around with the television fire (you know what im talking about)and drink eggnog, eat cookies, take pictures, put on music and the adults would clean up and start to make the formal dinner while the kids went and played with their presents. Christmas was the happiest time for me. Ive created the best memories from it and thank god that I was allowed to have that for a childhood where alot have not. We were all taught it is better to give than recieve but always appreciate and enjoy what you get.
I did however want a relationship with my mother and always asked to see her. I would go over my moms house for the weekend to hang out with my mom and sister, but every time I went there I would call my grandmother and cry to come back. She lived on a ranch with her boyfriend with 4 wheelers, ATC's, and a pack of dogs. My mother being an artist would constantly be painting in a backroom that was separated by beads. The kids were not allowed there. She was an amazing artist when she painted. My mother has some magical paintings she has created. I would always have to go stand at the front of the wall and my mom would mark the wall showing my growth. I always hated that. She lived a crazy life then though, she had my sister with her seeing many different crazy scenarios and my sister was still a toddler/young child and she and her bf were both still on drugs. He had a kid too that lived there or went there a lot. I remember her boyfriend one day coming up to me and saying "you wanna see the most amount of money you'll see in a lifetime" and as a kid was like heck ya show me that money. He opened a big old fireproof safe and it was full of 20s, 50s, and 100's. I later found out that was because he was a druggie that sold. The last time I saw my mom with this guy she had a fight and she was ready to leave him. She took me and my sister and was gonna go into the car to leave and he bashes her head into a window and holds a gun to her. I dont remember too much of how we got out of there. All i know is I looked down at my sister and covered her eyes and told her everything would be ok as she screamed and cried. (sorry mom for telling that story, it still makes me tear up to think about it though. Im glad you got out of that when you did). I used to have nightmares all the time back then about this big haunted house that was on an edge of a cliff. The front of the house had one door to escape which was guarded by Freddy, Jason, and Chuckie and other spirits would chase me through the house trying to kill me, but the backdoor opened to the edge of the cliff where I would fall to oblivion. Tell me about anxiety, it wasn't cool. During that time, I was also molested by someone close to me. I had a group of friends that I hung out all the time. I wont go too much into details but just on how I rebelled shortly after those times (it was more than once). I started stealing from everybody. As far as how the molestation affected me, I would make these brothers touch each other in front of me to be in the club or asked my friends (ones i went to youth group where i developed a concept of god)I could suck/jerk them off when they spent the night. I thought that's normal, it's just what people do as friends for other friends. I would steal from stores what I wanted, I stole my grandmothers cigarettes and smoke them (she had a shiny metal box she kept tons of smokes in). I would convince my friends to go pretend that we were from boy scouts and collect all the money and go blow it all on candy,cake,soda,etc. I used to go to my friends house and dig up his slugs and pour salt on them to watch them sizzle and die. I played pranks on friends parents like this one time I had a small cage for hamsters and took that to school one day and filled with with ladybugs (in the early morning there would be hundreds outside on the playground and I would just play in the lady bugs until I went to class) and took them to my friends house and released them all in his living room as they distracted their grandmother. They had lady bugs in their house for MONTHS after that. I beat this kid kyle bloody as well one day after school. My cousin thought it would be funny to see a fight so asked me to beat this guys ass and I was like "what do I get out of it"? He responded with "my bag of m&m's" so I was like "hell ya" and I took this kid, put him in a headlock and just started punching his face over and over again (possibly even breaking his nose) and watched him fall the the ground crying. I grabbed my m&m's, started eating them, and just moved along like nothing happened. This one time I also (first time the cops were called on me) had decided that I wanted my own Christmas tree and I was walking home down the road with friends and saw this perfect tree, it was twice my size at the time and thought it was perfect. I went back to my house, got a butter knife, and went back to the house and started sawing the tree down. Since I couldn't chop it down i took it by its roots, ripped it out and drug it all the way down my street into our backyard leaving a trail of dirt all the way along. The cops were called and sent to my house and my grandmother answered and was just like "Jason did you steal a tree?" I told her "no gramma i didn't" but obviously it was in the backyard. Might have gotten a beating that night, not sure. I did find out however she paid the lady 100 bucks for that tree. I lied, cheated and stole. I had no respect for anyone around me anymore. The molestation affected my whole entire attitude towards life. I wrote a letter to the molester because I'm not sure that person knows how much it affected me. Ps. I DON'T WANT YOUR APOLOGIES if your out there.

You took away my innocence, you took away my concept of love, If I was an angel, you took away my wings. I looked up to you, I idolized you. You say I kept asking for it, but NO 10 year old wants that. I wanted love and acceptance and you jaded my perception of what was for my entire life. You are a root of all that I am. I have never fallen in love and I'm not sure if I even can at this point. That's when I started my "wall" that only continued through out life and became thicker and thicker. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I ask God all the time if I am able to get that chance and I fear I might not have that option. I will never blame you for it though. Its the devil inside us that all of us, as human beings, have. I've learned that now with age. It might be a burden to have on your shoulder but it has been 10 times the burden having gone through it. You will never have my love, respect, nor a relationship with me. You have dug a hole that only you lay in. I also probably would not cry at your funeral.